I’ll begin with a few updates about topics mentioned in volume 2.

That new Instagram account didn’t do for me what I thought it would. So I reactivated my current one and deleted the new one lol. Now… what exactly was it supposed to do for me, you ask? Still working through that answer. When I have one worth sharing, I’ll report back.

My daughter was not selected for the student council. After school, we got ice cream and talked about it. Since then, she hasn’t mentioned it once. She was a little disappointed, but excited for those who were selected. What a classy little girl lol.

We are in yet another menstrual phase, and this month’s luteal phase did NOT beat my ass like usual. I think the awareness of that phase and how my mind can get coupled with the intentional rewiring of neural pathways has allowed me to not fall into the luteal trap of doom.

I didn’t want to delete absolutely everything this month. Sweet relief.

Now, in hindsight, I think Spirit distracted me with work. I worked so much last week that I didn’t have the opportunity to dwell on what was going wrong in my life. Ain’t that a bitch lmao.

Now. Let’s move on.

Since we spoke last, I have completed 4 1/2 books.

Recent reads were all from my library app. Here are the titles. Don’t expect full reviews.

They Call Him Nas by K.C. Mills, My Choice is You by Mel Dau, The Marriage Favor by Shvonne Latrice, Lost in Love’s Abyss by K.C. Mills, Love on the Ninth Floor by Aries Skye, and my current read: Black Candle Women by Diane Marie Brown.

So far, the marriage favor was pretty good. The plot twist was UNEXPECTED. Black Candle Women has captivated me for different reasons. It’s about a family that has many, many secrets within the 4 generations of women it covers. I read a few reviews, and some weren’t feeling the amount of secrets, but I found it added to the layers of the women. Especially the matriarch of the family.

Sidenote: I still have not finished Black Girls Must Have It All by Jayne Allen. I will move that to the top of the list for the rest of this quarter.

Reading and writing have been a beautiful distraction from the outside and online noise. This week, I found myself desperately seeking mental solitude. Everything was loud. My thoughts were loud. Other people’s energies were loud. Not to mention my landlord decided to trim/cut down a few trees in my complex. I could feel the sorrowful energy of the trees. I wanted to vomit. Needless to say, getting lost in a book helped clear up the chatter.

~

Sun days are my days. I was born on a Sunday and I choose to honor myself on Sun days by taking my time, doing what makes me happy, and for sure having a good meal. This past Sunday, I had salmon croquettes, dressing, yams, green beans, and cornbread.

I began the day cleaning. The kitchen, the bathroom, sweeping, mopping, burning a candle, and incense. It was a pretty chill, restful day.

~

Switching gears, I think I have an inability to get too close to others. I’m pretty sure it stems from past close relationships ending in distance, betrayal, or a simple falling out. When I was jotting down notes throughout the month of topics to cover in volume 3, this was on the list. The deeper I walk into my shadow side, I’m habitually greeted with trauma from my past that I MUST address to release. That’s how it works in case you thought it happened another way. To stop the guilt, shame, and/or torment of past trauma, we must face it. This is me facing it.

Hi, my name is Ray, and I don’t make for a great close friend. Not because I can’t be one, but because sometimes, I’m too _______. Too moody, too demanding, too ‘will hold your ass accountable’, too ‘expect you to be as good a friend as me’.

Yea. That’s me. I’ve accepted it. I’m working through it. Other reasons include my multiple personality changes throughout my spiritual awakening. Old, familiar activities don’t interest me anymore. It’s difficult for me to be in the same company of people who are still tethered to the illusion of this reality. If you can’t see that Babylon is falling, we probably won’t have any conversation of depth.

~

My daughter finally admitted to me that she has a crush. The concept of the girlish crush, when it’s sweet and innocent, warms my heart. My inner child smiled as 30-something old me internally grimaced. Like, you like a boy? Ugh Why? ahhahahahha

I’m kidding, I like boys too. But to like them at that young age, while they’re still sweet and egoless. Priceless. It takes me back to my earliest memory of liking a boy. I think I was in second grade. That crush lasted 2.5 seconds lol.

~

The feeling of being someone’s grounding energy and them for you is unexplainable. It’s like when life is gut-punching you, and there’s that one person who can punch life back for you. My husband's energy is grounding for me. And I for him. We’re at a point in our relationship where we call each other to share the minor or major inconveniences just to hear the other either give positive feedback or devise a plan on who to ride out on at dawn. I love this for us. It hasn’t always been the case, and frankly has taken hell to get here.

This relationship has been the one, even with my inability to get or stay close to others, that has forced me to confront those issues and confront myself. He makes me look myself in the eyes and do better.

~

Speaking of which, my father’s birthday was this past week. I wished him well in my head. But that’s as far as that went. I’ve been no contact with him for a year, if not two by now. Before that, it would be on and off. I won’t dive into that today because I don’t have the energy. What I will say is that if there is a family member that you need to go no contact with, do it. The reason not to do it can’t be because “they’re your ____” (insert their familial title here). I used to continue to interact with this man for two reasons: because my mother would say things like “you don’t want that to be the reason you don’t go to heaven,” and because I wasn’t strong enough to cut him off.

Back when I was financially dependent on him, the goal was to cut contact once I was more financially stable. When I became such, there wasn’t anything left for me to hold onto. I spent my twenties diving headfirst into the residual effects of my daddy issues. Eventually, I was able to get to a point where I knew I couldn’t fully heal in the same environment that continuously caused me mental harm.

As an adult, I decided to do what is best for me. That was choosing to discontinue communication permanently. For those of you who may have lost a parent or who don’t have the shared daddy issue experience, you might ask, “What will you do once he’s transitioned? You’ll feel bad that you didn’t reconcile your differences while he was still alive.”

My answer to that is a two-parter: I’ve thought about that, and I’ll work through whatever grief I may feel when/if the time comes. And, I choose myself. I choose to be happy. I chose to take control and discontinue the self-sabotage that I was causing as a result of that relationship.

Self-awareness is a mirror of depth. It exposes, it confronts, it reveals. It also gives you the choice to continue to live as you were or forge a new path.

~

I’ve been learning tarot for about… low-key ever since my spiritual awakening in like 2019. My memory isn’t the best; therefore, I use a beginner’s guide to check the meanings of the cards whenever I pull them. It’s also been a very slow process. Juggling multiple responsibilities leaves little brain space or attention span to watch the hours-long tarot course. I do a little now and then with the help of the beginner’s guide. What drew me to the cards among the many forms of divination was the art of it. The imagery, the shuffling, the fact that the cards NEVER lie.

Just today, Venus day, I meditated and then asked for some guidance. I pulled 5 cards:

• 4 of Swords (recover + rest because the past does not have to repeat itself)

• The Star reversed (I cannot just have ideas, I have to take action)

• The Chariot (creativity + intuition. balance the pieces of your life to give you momentum. things are now working together.

• The High Priestess (I am a spiritual teacher who offers profound wisdom beyond the illusions of this life. go inward + then forge a bridge between my inner world and outer world so I can live my life w/ integrity.

• The Empress (embody my creativity. I am endlessly creative and my inspiration knows no bounds. nuture my projects, ideas & relationships with love)

I received confirmation for what I’d been processing and the go-ahead to put action behind my ideas.

I’ll leave you with this. It’s the action. 10:10 on the clock. The intentions are good. The ideas, GREAT! But if we want things to HAPPEN, we must take action. Not waiting for something to happen, and then we take action. Action comes before the happening.

Thank you for being here with me. Talk again soon.